Giraffe down: Hysteria ensues after zookeepers kill giraffe

SATIRE BY
JIM GILLESPIE

A Giraffe named Marius was gruesomely executed at the Copenhagen Zoo in Denmark Feb. 9. The reason for said death sentence was the incoming arrival of a female giraffe whose necessity was on the basis of attracting a male giraffe-mate (henceforth giramate) to repopulate the zoo’s giraffe population. Marius clearly did not fit giramate material. Thus, to avoid a giraffe-esque variant of guerilla warfare which would (obviously) erupt amongst potential giramates, the zookeepers thought it best to, rather than send Marius to another zoo, release him or just keep him ‘I do not know’ somewhere else while the female was present, kill him. Of course, rather than dispose of the remains in an innocuous and inconspicuous manner, the zookeepers thought it best to give the remains to the lions.
“Thank Simba we had a giraffe to eat,” a local anonymous lion said. “We were barely making it on the raw steak and hearty food we were given. I did not know how much longer we could last!”
At this point, most readers of Zoo News Weekly could not think the situation could get much worse. “I was outraged to hear poor Marius was killed. He had a long life of being glared at by strangers and being blinded by strangers’ cameras; it is a real shame to see him go, especially on such poor terms,” Denmark native James Gillespie said. He and other giraffe-connoisseurs were awe-struck when it was unveiled that the female who was going to arrive at Copenhagen Zoo would no longer be arriving. What is more, a second giraffe was going to be killed upon the arrival of the female. This would leave only one potential giramate for the female to engage in whatever it is that child-producing giraffes engage in. Zoo enthusiasts all over the country were ecstatic when they heard that this second giraffe was not to be killed. Moreover, when they heard that the giraffe that was spared was promptly named Marius, they knew the first Marius would live vicariously through the spared Marius. Lions were disappointed but still perfectly healthy without eating giraffes.
However, there is one part to the story that has been neglected: the giraffes’ side. Rumor has it, from an anonymous source I do not know, that giraffes are going to start a revolt against the humans of Denmark and possibly the world. Via the telepathic communication that has been made available through the vicarious life of Marius the First, giraffes all over have been plotting their emigration from Africa and their immigration to Denmark.
“We will not stop at Denmark,” Marius the First told me in a hallucination. “Zoos everywhere will learn that giraffes are not to be killed on the basis of an event which never happened.” So students of The University, stay indoors; the giraffes are coming.
In other news, Tim Burton, director of the 2001 rendition of “The Planet of the Apes,” is attempting to communicate with Marius the First for the rights to a “Planet of the Giraffes” film. Stay updated; it probably will not be interesting.

contact the writer:
jim.gillespie@scranton.edu

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