Summer “goals”

SATIRE BY
JIM GILLESPIE

Summer is encroaching as the school year winds down. One thing always on the tongues of glib college students is the discussion of how good they look for the summer. It is no surprise that if you want to feel bad about yourself, follow some group of half-good-looking people around a college campus for a day and hear their discussions. Moreover, if you really want to feel bad about yourself, go to the gym super early and go to the locker room. Spray some water on yourself (so you look sweaty) then walk out and watch all of the steroid-abusing and pretentious “exercisers” be better than you while your verisimilarity of a running connoisseur will keep you looking fine in the eyes of others. But do not feel bad about yourself for too long. After several weeks of only viewing your body in relation to those with the ideal body, you will be feeling just about as worse as possible. That is when you turn it around.

You want to do several things before you embark on the journey. Set your goals in moderation. Do not go too crazy or you will, again, feel bad about yourself. Do not bother keeping up with the athletes at your school; go and watch television or search the interwebs instead. Eat things people tell you are healthy and watch the effects happen immediately. Seriously, eat a protein bar, drink a protein shake. Just ingesting those things will make life much easier even without doing the necessary physical exercise to work off the excess (let us not jump ahead of ourselves, slackers). Only eat healthy food that is also healthy in itself. That cow you are eating as you read this, watering the fat and sodium down with your tears and sweat (we all know why), has eaten another cow recently.

Did you know that? Mad cow disease is no joke. But, really, find an animal that has eaten healthy, like you are trying to do now. Hunt for your own deer. They live in the wild and eat what they need to for survival and nutrition. In fact, live with the deer for a few months, gaining their insight while making way into the head of the deer culture (cue Aristophanes’ “Birds”). You will learn the skills to be healthy, just like a deer. Do not count your calories. Or, if you do, miscount (but do not let yourself know you are doing it). Do you want dessert? If you do, at least admit to yourself you really do and maybe you will feel less bad.

If all else fails, call in Brad Pitt and start a Fight Club. Just fighting other humans for the sake of fighting might make you feel better about yourself and put you in shape simultaneously. Nevertheless, try taking the stairs. Seriously. Just walk up the stairs, it is not very difficult. Besides, the elevators on your campus are probably slow and filled with people who you hate. And do you know why they are taking the elevator? Because they are like you. And you hate that guy, right, Edward Norton? So, after all is said and done, you really have not gotten anywhere. In fact, why would you even want to? We can watch the beach from our couches by staring at our televisions and looking good to our stuffed dog that is always there for us. Be lazy. It is the American way.

Contact the writer:
jim.gillespie@scranton.edu

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