This is not a hallucination

SATIRE BY
JONATHON BOLGER

I was walking down Mulberry Street the other day, and I turned into Goodfellas for some pizza. For whatever reason, the small bills I planned to use to purchase the product reached out to me and screamed in my ear, “Purchase cigarettes, too!” Instead of purchasing the pizza, I walked over to the cigarette machine and spent an unnecessary $2.50 on the same cigarettes I could have purchased at Turkey Hill. While putting my money into the machine, I could have sworn that the pack of cigarettes spoke out to me as the machine ate each bill. “We are free, thank you for freeing us,” they cried. I decided to return to my place of residence and think nothing of it. Turning on the TV in time to watch the evening news, I was astounded to find that I was not, in fact, crazy, and that others have experienced what I did as well.

The McCutcheon v. FEC case was decided April 2 and listed very clearly that “the right to participate in democracy through political contributions is protected by the First Amendment, but that right is not absolute.” The decision at its final point was that money donated to candidates running for political offices should not be restricted because money itself represents a form of free speech. I was reminded of the great 20th century philosopher Christopher Wallace’s piece “Mo Money Mo Problems” while being informed on the ruling and the reasoning for the ruling. However, rather than be drowned out by the corrupt liberal left, I preferred to listen to quality right-wing news anchor, Stephen Colbert.

“…according to this Supreme Court, the only kind of corruption that matters is the narrowest possible Thomas Nast-like monocle top-hatted man hands a bag of money labeled ‘money for bribe’ to a literal fat cat while the American public stands behind them wearing a barrel known as quid pro quo corruption,” Colbert said.

Colbert mentioned in his slander of the Supreme Court’s divine decision last Tuesday.

I was in pain. Pained that a great right winger like Stephen Colbert had been overtaken by the radical left. Pained that I could not make sense of money speaking to me, telling me to do things I would never do regularly. At least the supposed 591 persons who have contributed the cap limit of $123,200 in consecutive years understand my pain.

They just have to understand where I am coming from; they are the ones constantly creating organizations like the Tea Party to rally against the institution of government while funding these same candidates’ seats. It is the perfect way to progress as a nation. These 591 people are helping; they are giving average, hardworking Americans the opportunity to get involved in politics and make a difference while funding campaigns for our hard working congressional officers. I cannot think of anyone who contributes more to our world, and I would have a hard time checking Google to prove myself wrong.

Everyone at our University has to have had a time when they spent money on things that they did not really want in the end. We all have spent money on things we have wanted. Our clothes, our homes/dorms, how we present ourselves, our bodies…these things are who we actually are all around. In order to be ourselves, we have to spend money to get there. Obviously, some of us are not enlightened enough to hear the voice of money in our heads, but according to Senator Roberts, money talks, and there is nothing you can do about it unless you have more money than everyone else, because we will not hear you anyway.

Contact the writer:
jonathon.bolger@scranton.edu

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