10 convincing reasons for coup d’etat, if you need that many

Commentary by
James Gillespie

It would be a waste of time for me to explain why we students would want to stage a coup d’etat against our student government. We all agree it should be done, but how do we justify such a heinous act?
Well, luckily for you readers, I will provide the justification for all coup-related events (this includes, but is not limited to, staging the coup, continental breakfast prior to the coup and a komos following the coup).

If you do not know what the French phrase coup d’etat is, please put this paper down, take out your mobile device (or pocket dictionary), and look it up.

Without further ado, here are 10 reasons to overthrow Student Government:

1. You just learned the phrase coup d’etat.
Yes. You just learned a new word; you’re euphoric about it. The best way to remember your new word is to act out that word. This fact is proven by my own assertion of its veracity. If you forget the word, your friends will mock you.

2. It’ll make a great story to tell your kids.
“And that’s why, son and daughter, you should always stage a coup against your student body government in school,” you said. “But dad,” asked son and daughter, “what is a coup d’etat?” At this point, you will whip out your Oct. 23, 2014, issue of The Aquinas and refer son and daughter to the first reason. You’re welcome.

3. You have nothing better to do.
You’re reading the school newspaper right now. Put it down and stage a coup.

4. You’d make the news.
I can guarantee that if you, my faithful readers, stage this coup, I will write an article about how ridiculous (err…justified) your actions were. What better way to feel alive than seeing your name printed in a newspaper?

5. Coups are cathartic.
If one thing is constant in history, it is coups d’etat. Seriously. And I know in your history class you asked why these things keep happening. Most of the time you will get the aforementioned reasons. However, your professor will say it’s cathartic, followed by a story of his coup — see no. 2, change every instance of ‘son and daughter’ to ‘students.’

6. I promise a continental breakfast.
I needn’t say more.

7. You’ll be a role model to aspiring coupers.
I’ve just coined such a phrase: coupers. Kind of catchy, right? More importantly, when you do public service and you are giving a lecture on coups d’etat to aspiring coupers (yes, this constitutes public service), you’ll be the model you’ve always wanted to be.

8. Student Government doesn’t do anything anyway.
In all sincerity, Student Government is more of a role-playing group than anything. If you stage the coup, you can roleplay (while at the same time doing nothing).

9. It’ll be fun.
Close your eyes and imagine: a thousand pitchforks and burning torches and effigies of your favorite coupers throughout history to guide you vicariously as you step into the Forum and accidentally invade The Aquinas office. You’ve failed, but it was certainly fun. Also, there is a komos after (look it up).

10. You’ll have done something rather than nothing.
A comedian by the name of John Mulaney says something along the lines of, “It surprises me people do anything. It is much easier to do nothing.”

Congrats! You did something! Go back to not doing anything, or if you’re the daring type, stage another coup — Pennsylvania Avenue has a small government building I think.

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