Published: October 30, 2015
In a radically new approach to be more cost-efficient, The University has elected to leave The Loyola Hall of Science, “Old” Loyola, to fall of its own devices, rather than to spend money on demolition.
This press release was discovered on the newest news agency, Yik Yak, sandwiched between, “Who remembers all the paninis that DeNaples used to make?” and “This hangover right now is brutal.”
The University originally intended to hire workstudy students for the task, but the lofty seven dollars that the work-study
students are being paid simply was not the absolute cheapest solution.
Neither the cut-down on maintenance, while raising an already staggering tuition, nor an inability to find the table in order to discuss a contract with the faculty, was enough to make room in the budget to cover the costs of demolition.
For those of you who have never ventured into “Old” Loyola on your own, because it most certainly is not shown on the tours of The University, fear not. The building’s dim and ever-yellowing lights do not use much power. With the building being essentially empty, there is little-to-no need for heating. Since Scranton ground is already swallowing Condron Hall, the fall of “Old” Loyola is imminent.
But I feel that The University is missing out on a possible money-making venture.
“Old” Loyola is already perfectly equipped to be an extension of the Lackawanna Historical Society, depicting what the life of students was like for the grandparents of current students.
The University can use “Old” Loyola as on-campus house for rent, charging on-campus prices for the authentic look and feel of off-campus houses. Instead of hiring any additional maintenance workers to maintain “Old” Loyola, the administration can make students pay to do their own maintenance, which sounds like an eerily familiar strategy.
Eastern State Penitentiary is another large facility, left to its own devices. Yet, every year, they transform it into a haunted house, charging visitors. “Old” Loyola must surely be haunted. What other logical reason could there be for a building to be left nearly abandoned on campus? Maybe the restless spirits of lab animals past run the halls, causing havoc.
Perhaps the easiest way to make money off “Old” Loyola is to market it as a mall. Look at Steamtown. Malls without any stores can fetch a pretty penny—5.2 million, according to the Times-Tribune, in the current Scranton real-estate market.
If and when the Scranton dirt reclaims the building, I propose a couple of genius revenue generators.
Open an amusement park in its place. The University already owns a ball pit and fun room, so it would be easy enough to build a castle with the missing “Z” bricks on the land that “Old” Loyola inhabits. That way, students can use their royal to get in, getting charged more for the convenience of course, and use their flex on miniscule sandwiches while inside.
Build another dorm, taller than any of the others, with a massive signal on top that projects a Scranton “S” into the sky, just in case anyone driving by can’t see the dozens of University crests carved into each and every single building on campus. The light would really allow The University a whole new dimension of advertisement, for anyone who finds him or herself in a plane that flies over Scranton at night. And the extra dorms could allow The University to lower its standards even lower, by raising accepted student rates from the current 77 percent to 84 percent to include just about anyone that applies to The University. Naturally, having Jesuit slogans such as “Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam” strewn throughout it would be a tremendous sales point for prospective students’ parents as well.
But don’t you worry, whatever The University does to “Old” Loyola, and the land that it sits on, it will be cost-efficient. Whatever The Universitydoes, the campus will be “pretty.” We will be voted in the top fifty of the Jesuit schools in the Northeastern United States, and Scranton will only be recognized as “the place that The Office was filmed” anyway, so it doesn’t much matter what is done.
I’d suggest lighting the building on fire, but the lack of excitement for the liberal arts might imply that The University is truly afraid of setting the world on fire.
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