Pesky vegan troublemakers strike, bother police

Published: April 21, 2016

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / THE vegan scourge spreads through attendance of rallies.

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / THE vegan scourge spreads through attendance of rallies.

Satire by
JESSICA NICKEL

This past week, police clashed yet again with members of the hipster group known as “the vegans.” The location this time: Berlin. The grand opening of Dandy Diner, the newest vegan establishment in southeast Berlin, began as a peaceful demonstration, but the situation rapidly deteriorated as hordes of non-animal eating individuals flooded the restaurant.

Police estimated nearly 800 people were present both inside and on the street surrounding the building. What began as an innocent event involving free animal-less food products dissolved into a full-blown vegan rave. Despite vehement protests from both the attendees and the owners, the brave law enforcement officers demanded that the bacchanalian merriment be brought to an end. According to one report, police allegedly threatened to use force to subdue the hungry vegans in the form of non-organic donuts. Many residents are rightfully concerned about the impact the restaurant will have on the once-peaceful neighborhood. This section of Berlin has recently been drawing in droves of young hipsters, and some fear that the situation will only worsen with the establishment of this vegan house of worship.

Vegans have been associated with illegal activity numerous times in recent years. In November 2014, nearly three dozen individuals were arrested at a vegan strip club in Portland, Ore. (Apparently, the first of its kind). The club was hosting a sale for Black Friday which resulted in patrons assaulting one another over $.59/minute lap dances.

This association between veganism and crime is bordering on disturbing. If something is not done, I fear that we will soon see many more incidences of vegan-inspired acts of violence. But what? How can we as a society stop this juggernaut from taking over every up-and-coming neighborhood in America?

Personally, I think it is time for the government to get involved. Clearly these depraved, vegetable-loving sociopaths are a threat to public safety and sanity. I believe it would be advantageous for towns to keep a registry of all know vegans in the area so that members of the community can keep an eye on these potentially dangerous neighbors.

Additionally, a task force should be assembled to keep a constant vigil over all vegan meeting places such as fair-trade coffee shops, vegetarian restaurants, and all Whole Foods stores.

It is critical that we take these preventative steps to keep our citizens safe from vegan-related crime. But even more so, we need to protect those in our communities that are most vulnerable and impressionable: the youth. The “hipster” lifestyle may appeal to many of these innocents, but most are disturbingly unaware of the dark side of veganism. As if society didn’t have enough of a challenge keeping adolescents from experimenting with drugs and alcohol, we now need to try to prevent veganism from becoming the latest epidemic in our high schools. The madness must come to an end.

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / THE vegans’ food of choice is usually a gluten free, non-GMO, free-range, hand-washed vegetable salad, as pictured below. Beware, side effects may include police brutality.

PHOTO COURTESY OF WIKIMEDIA COMMONS / THE vegans’ food of choice is usually a gluten free, non-GMO, free-range, hand-washed vegetable salad, as pictured below. Beware, side effects may include police brutality.

Contact the writer: jessica.nickel@scranton.edu

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