Published: May 5, 2016
It’s official: Ted Cruz (aka the Zodiac Killer) has dropped out of the race for the GOP nomination, essentially handing the position to billionaire and flesh-eating lizard, Donald Trump. Cruz decided to leave the race after an embarrassing loss to Trump in the Indiana primaries. A win in this state was crucial for Cruz’s campaign, and the unexpected loss was a crushing blow.
Despite the (probably true) rumors of Cruz’s former occupation of homicide, many Republicans swallowed the bitter pill and declared their support for Cruz. Many of them, I suppose, believed that the ultra-conservative Texas Senator was a better option than the inhuman lizard-man Trump. These Cruz supporters now appear to be out of luck. The only opposition now facing Trump is Ohio governor John Kasich, who has remained in the race despite only having secured one state in the primaries. With Cruz gone, it is uncertain how the remainder of the primaries will play out. Republicans will either continue to flock towards Trump’s scaly arms or they will still select Kasich in a desperate effort to keep the reptile from winning more states.
Despite his non-human status, I think there are quite a few reasons why Trump would make an excellent president.
President Obama made history being the first African American president. Before him, the presidency has been unanimously white and Protestant, with little variation. I think it would be best to continue this pattern of increased diversity in the otherwise very White House.
President Trump would make history not only as the first orange president, but also the first reptilian president. The flesh-eating lizards of the United States are a clear minority among the various races of humans, and they are an underrepresented group overall. I think society is ready to have a member of this minority group as its leader.
Trump would most likely have to win out against DNC frontrunner Hillary Clinton, of course, who would in her own right make history as the first female president. While women represent about half of the general population, they too are an underrepresented group in government, making up only about 20%.
2. Good fences make good neighbors
Everyone has heard this saying before, and it is so true. Isolation from one’s neighbors is the best way to prevent conflict. The Great Wall of Trump along the border of the US and Mexico will only improve our relationship with that country. It will keep out the “criminals” and “rapists”, because obviously the only criminals and rapists we have in the US are illegal immigrants from Mexico. The Great Wall will certainly help “Make American Great Again”.
But why stop there? Why not build a wall separating the US from Canada? Canada is a dangerous country what with its free healthcare, Tim Horton’s, and those annoying Canadian geese. A wall would be a great way to keep socialism on their side of the border, and to prevent those avian menaces from our ponds and lakes.
3. Nuke everyone
We are clearly too conservative in our dealings with foreign nations. Obviously the best way to deal with threats to our national security is to bomb all of our enemies. We should nuke ISIS, North Korea, Russia, and probably China, just in case.
Enough of this diplomacy nonsense; we aren’t taken seriously by our enemies and it is time to show them who is the real world power.
4. Political correctness is stupid
Everyone is too sensitive these days. In a country that supposedly has freedom of speech as a right, we have to censor ourselves quite a bit. Under President Trump, political correctness would be a thing of the past. Part of Trump’s appeal is that he is saying what everyone is thinking, but are too afraid to admit it.
We would have true freedom of speech under President Trump, with the ability to use whatever derogatory terms and racial slurs we want when describing people who are different from ourselves. After all, it is our constitutional right to do so, a right that is currently being withheld because of the social convention to avoid “offending” others.
Cruz’s withdrawal from the race has paved the way for a new and greater America to be formed under the wise and firm guidance of Donald Trump. I look forward to November, when he will hopefully become not only our president, but our lizard overlord and ruler. I encourage everyone to submit before our next great leader, and to vote for Donald Trump.